I started like so many do, hungry for a career in tech, driven by the promise of building things that mattered. At first it was dev, long hours, the constant chase to prove myself. Then came leadership, the executive roles, the titles, the money. But with them the politics, the lies and hollow victories. Each step higher pulled me further from people, from meaning, from the reasons I began.
The air at the top was thin, an echo chamber of egos where opinions grew dirtier the higher you climbed. My mind shrank, my stomach turned to ulcers, and in a loveless marriage I felt myself suffocating. On paper I was winning, but in truth I was rotting.
When my last gig ended, it all stopped at once. My work, my personality, my life, the abyss left by the all-encompassing “C-level mindset” was so deep I fell into it headfirst and kept digging. Without it I had nothing, I was nothing, just a pile of cash I never deserved.
I decided then to end it.
More out of lack of perceived options than anything else. It felt like a good time to blow all my money and jump under a train. At some point I even looked up the times and places. Fun memories.
The car crash was exhilarating. Drugs, sex, festivals, a summer of pure debauchery in the sun. Self-destruction burns hot like passion and I was well on my way to ashes.
Then one day, a miracle happened. I met a person I should never have met and my world turned again, for the better this time. I found acceptance, love, and a connection I never knew existed. We had the same final plan, but once together it didn’t seem to make sense anymore to go through with it.
Through her I rebuilt myself, still am today. With constant honesty, kindness, and strength she taught me there could be another way, a soft and gentle way to live, in service of each other and our selves. I am forever grateful for this.
Today, I am better. Not good but better. I look back with no regrets but I am conscious of how close I got to never knowing true happiness and love.
This is to you who think about the end of the line. To you whose hope has left, to you whose purpose is gone. You are still here, and within you there is that person you crave to become. Don’t give up.
I love you.